woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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