I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
