listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
