Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
