mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
