You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The Olympian is in my bed
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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