Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
