Where did you get a picture of my penis
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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