maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
