hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
