Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize