dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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