My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
