Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
