It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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