True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
