Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Your dad touched me again.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
