I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
