who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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