Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We just shotgunned beers for America
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
