Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I haven't been this sober since birth.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
