Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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