Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
