I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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