you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
