Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
