I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
