Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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