I'm so fucking centered right now
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
