did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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