If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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