he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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