Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i was born a porn star she said
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
