I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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