things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize