He is an equal opportunity slut.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
