From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
