This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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