I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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