So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize