I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When did angry sex become our thing?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
