Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
