I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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