You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
