Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
