This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize