I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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