i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
