just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
