You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
