Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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