I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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