She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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