I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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