Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
