Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
